Please note: this transcript is not 100% accurate.
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00:01
People will purposely have you go out with their friends who are less attractive or less confident than themselves so that they appear as the best amongst their friends. And that’s done consciously.
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This is Dr. Meenal and welcome to Uncover Your Eyes, where we break down the most pressing health topics shaping lives today. Today, we’re going to get a little romantic. We’re going to talk about dating, but not just the average dating, but what truly lies behind dating and being attracted to somebody. Is it really just looking at them?
00:48
or does your brain play a bigger role than your heart? There is more to dating, especially when you meet somebody for the first time, than just your heart feeling happy or good. There is a whole science around first impressions that have a lot to do with your brain. Believe it or not, it takes your brain just one tenth of a second to form an opinion about somebody after seeing their face.
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one-tenth of a second. That is faster than you can blink. You will automatically form an opinion about that person in one-tenth of a second. What happens in that one-tenth of a second? The visual information that you are looking at or the person hits your retina, gets sent to the visual cortex at the back of your brain, that’s the part responsible for processing what you see, but then
01:48
that when that info gets passed to other areas of the brain, like the amygdala, which processes emotions, and the prefrontal cortex, which handles judgment and decision making, basically your brain runs a super fast algorithm amongst all these different areas of your brain, and it processes it really fast and basically makes you wonder, are they my friend? Can I trust them? Do I like them? Are they good enough?
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like very fast in these split seconds. In ancient thought process, this was to help us understand surviving and fight or flight. And now with dating, it’s basically helping us understand if we wanna even talk to this person. Is this somebody good or is this somebody bad? And that’s how that first impression kicks in when you date somebody, especially on a blind date. So what are we really looking for
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when we are attracted to someone. One of the biggest things we look at and we don’t realize is facial symmetry. It’s an odd one and I was actually shocked to learn this, but facial symmetry is something we look at. Our brains are wired to prefer symmetrical faces because they’re a sign of genetic good health. And there’s even this thing called the golden ratio, which is like a mathematical
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proportion that we have in our nature and human faces and faces that align closely with this ratio tend to be perceived as more beautiful and we tend to be more attracted to these facially symmetrical people. It’s not only symmetry, but we are actually looking at people’s skin tone, the way they smile and believe it or not, even their pupils. As an eye doctor, obviously, you know, I talk a lot about pupils, but
03:42
When you are actually attracted to someone, your pupils dilate slightly. And that is a cue that you are attracted. Now, that doesn’t mean you go stare at somebody and see if their pupils are gonna dilate, but these are also additional cues that help us understand if we’re attracted to somebody. So after we have our first impressions and we have that sense of smiling, pupils dilating, then we look at eye contact. That is very important.
04:11
There’s a reason why love at first sight is such a common phrase. There is some form of chemistry that happens when two people look at each other for the first time and something happens and they’re attracted to each other. What is actually happening is fascinating because it happens in the brain. So that eye contact activates the limbic system, which is the brain’s emotional center, and it triggers the release of oxytocin, which is the so-called love hormone. And that helps
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create a feeling of connection and trust. There’s even this famous experiment where strangers were asked to stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes and those that stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes actually had a deeper connection after and maybe even felt some love for each other. I know it’s wild, but that’s what it is and that’s that eye contact that can really trigger your brains.
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system to feel that sense of love. But here’s the catch. There is a difference between perception and reality. So just because your brain is perceiving all of this with the information that it’s gotten, it doesn’t mean that’s what reality is. There’s something called the halo effect, which basically means when we perceive someone as physically attractive, we automatically assume
05:34
that they have these positive traits like kindness, caring, generosity, giving, empathetic, when they might not actually have those traits. So it’s a false sense of reality. And let’s be real. mean, dating apps take advantage of this. We’re swiping based on carefully curated photos, but we’re really just forming snap judgments through our initial eye contact and
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making these perception fast judgments of people based on biases, past experiences, and what our brain perceives that may not be reality. So I think the million dollar question is, can you hack being attracted to someone or attractiveness? Yes. If you work with your brain’s natural wiring system, and I know this is scary, but you actually understand eye contact, maintain good eye contact, do things like smile genuinely,
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continuously, even have great posture. So having great posture helps to build that sense of confidence, also makes people feel they can trust you are all factors that help you seem more attractive, which is scary because they are fabricated. But if you know how that wiring system works, you can fabricate that. Another fun fact is that lighting can make a difference. So softer, warmer lighting tends to make people look more appealing because
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It soothes out the shadows and highlights their natural features. So that’s why candlelight dinners are so romantic and a lot of people prefer them. But here’s my favorite and probably the most important part. Perception might spark that attractiveness or that attraction, but it goes beyond that. There is a deeper connection beyond that once the brain starts thinking and thinking straight and actually piecing.
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puzzle together, you will form a better opinion of the person. These things that the brain would like to piece together are things like their tone of voice, their body language, their shared interests, and that’s where the magic really happens. So ultimately, we see just initially very quickly that one part of the story, but true attraction is different from love at first sight.
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and we need to separate that. So yes, that love at first sight might be the initial reason we’re attracted to someone and that’s great and you need to have that. But making sure that you can shift your perception after that, if things are changing or there’s red flags are very important. Do not judge the person based on that love at first sight because that was just your brain’s initial response that it’s wired to make. So perception is just the beginning.
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What is more important is as time goes along that we understand we can shift that perception and we trust our judgments or our gut feelings. This understanding of what makes you attractive or what can make you attractive on love at first sight is actually scary and it can actually be dangerous because there’s a lot of people who understand what can make them more attractive and they actually mentally work on this.
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to con people. So it’s really important that we understand that when we look at somebody, are understanding that that’s just our brain’s perception initially, and we are going to take it slow and recognize these red flags and make sure that we have an open mind. Otherwise, the situation can get too dangerous. People can use things like eye contact where you are
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you know, kickstarting the oxytocin or the love hormone as a bonding benefit. And they can really use eye contact to get you involved and make sure that you fall in love with them. So making sure that you’re not ignoring the red flags that can occur and just, you know, not limiting it to appreciating the fact that there’s eye contact or, you know, that they’re standing tall and that they’re smiling a lot.
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We want to make sure that we understand that these can be dangerous as well. There is something called love bombing, which a lot of people are aware of, which is like excessive eye contact that some con artists use to build that deep connection. So knowing when you’re love bombed and when you’re not is also important. These are all psychological cues that you should be aware of because people know how to.
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kind of make your brain think and know how people’s brains are wired. There’s also other effects, you know, that are actually very interesting. There’s the contrast effect. People will purposely have you go out with their friends who are, you know, less attractive or less confident than themselves so that they appear as the best amongst their friends. And that’s done consciously as well. There’s also the priming effect where they carefully control their surroundings, like…
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choosing that dim lighting or using scents that boost attraction to prime your brain for a positive impression. So these are all tactics that people are aware of and can use to make them seem more desirable. And then obviously there’s a lot of this on social media dating apps where people know how to pose that perfect picture with that perfect contrast and with all the ability that we have now to change lighting, contrast, highlighting.
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All of that, I mean, we do that in, you know, edits. So people know how to get you attracted, but in general, perception is not reality. So we need to make sure that yes, that first moment we see that dating app picture, they might seem attractive and that’s our brain not really thinking, just forming those quick opinions or the first impressions. You know, that person’s smiling great. They have great eye contact, looks like they’re looking straight at us, but in reality, we don’t want to be obsessed with that halo effect.
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and we wanna know that that person might not be as great as they seem. And I think we’re all aware of the very common phrase that people use now that they’re being gaslighted. Gaslighting is basically twisting reality to make you start questioning your perception and your reality. And that is basically what’s happening in dating. People are twisting or understanding their reality, shifting it back on you.
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where you can’t question them. You almost feel like, but they were great. You you have that halo effect. So understanding that there is dating gaslighting as well, and you cannot be gaslighted, and you have to make a carefully curated judgment on this person over time, rather than just that initial first impression, and making sure you shift that perception of them over time. So my advice would be slow down.
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Trust your gut feelings. Trust repeated behavior or look for repeated behavior. That’s really important, whether it’s repeated positive or negative behavior. Look at the patterns and ask questions because often people who are manipulating others avoid giving clear answers about themselves and they tend to deflect personal questions. And that’s a huge red flag. And get other people’s perspectives. Talk to your friends.
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Have confidence in others. Don’t just keep everything to yourself because it’s what you may not recognize because you still have that halo effect in your brain. Others may recognize or you know, if you’re going out to a you know party with the person’s friends, have someone come with you that might recognize that contrast effect. That’s you know, because you have been blinded in love that you may not see those things and a second opinion is very important.
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So next time you’re on a date, remember it’s your eyes that might pick up that love at first sight or that initial connection, but it’s your brain eventually that’s going to write that true love story. And it’s really important that you trust your gut and you look at things over time. Visual perception is powerful, but your heart connection is beyond that and goes beyond that. So please make sure you’re being intuitive.
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and you’re ensuring that you are making the right judgment calls over time. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to subscribe and share it with a friend. And until next time, keep those eyes and your heart wide open. Thank you listeners and viewers for tuning in. If you want to catch more episodes of Uncover Your Eyes, make sure to follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and on YouTube. To learn more about me,
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Follow me on Instagram @Dr.MeenalAgarwal Until next time, keep those eyes uncovered!